The First Discordian Church of Lebowski and Baracus, true disciples of Bob|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Friday, March 10th, 2006|
A man approached Lawerence, and he said, "What is the soul? Is it of the mind? Is it of the body? Can a soul reside in a mind without a body, a brain in a vat? Can a soul reside in a body without a mind, is a bacterium soulful?"
Clubber set the man to stand against a wall, and broke an egg on his head. He coated the man in flour, and pelted him with tomatoes. Then he stood back and said, "Ah, pasta alla marinara
At that moment, the foo' was enlightened.
|Tuesday, December 6th, 2005|
|A Quick Announcement
Hear ye, and ye, and ye, ye, ye, thee, ye and ye (but not ye):
Members of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B are hereby commanded a number of things in exchange for their membership in the 1&SFOSG-DCWTFOMG(s)BBQ:
0) Members are required not to recognize the sovereignty of any nation in a circle no less than 23" of radius around any member, lance-saint, or known pope.
1) Members are commanded to, under no circumstances, recognize the popeitude of anyone who is not either:
a)A member, lance-saint or demi/semigod(dess) of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in good-standing with the past, current, or future incarnations of the church, or persons acting therein with the best interests of 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in heart, mind, pineal gland, or jejunum
b)A member, lance-saint or demi/semigod(dess) of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in poor-standing with the past, current, or future incarnations of the church, or persons not acting therein with the best interests of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in heart, mind, pineal gland, or duodenum
c) Any non-member or sentient being unknown to 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B
Violation of the above terms will result in transient, non-perpetuitous loss of popeitude. This will put the defrocked member in poor-standing with the current and all future incarnations of 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B. Popeitude will only be restored when the member has gone to his or her room, where room is defined as the multi-walled, indoor area in which the disgraced fool spents most of their time living, where living is to be known as actively attempting to turn organic resources into feces and partial copies of the self, and engages, for a period of time not to be less than one planck unit of time, pondering, cogitating, speculating, or reasoning about the offense that caused one to lose popeitality.
2) Members are hereby required to not adhere to any requirements of any (dis)organization. Punishment for adhering to requirements shall be loss of membership in the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B, at which point the member will cease to adhere to the requirements of 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B, and membership shall be reinstated.
3) Members shall engage, at least once daily, in actively dancing when there is no audible music playing. Members are strongly encouraged to listen for the music that plays when there is no sound.
4) Hallucinations of any type shall be required, but this will not be an issue, as all members have access to cable news, and thus should have no problem seeing things that don't exist, hearing sounds that never happened, and having a strong, untrue convictions about the nature of the world in which they live.
5) Members should be politically well-versed, and thus are required to view as many speeches by the President of the United States and high-ranking members of the US Congress whenever possible.
6) Members must also be relaxed in their politics, and thus are required to take x units of alcoholic beverage, where x is a function of the member's body mass, the member's experience with intoxicating drink, and the relative strength of the beverage, any time the phrases "Tax", "Congress", "America", "Terror" or "Economy" are mentioned. Members are also strongly encouraged to pick a member of Congress or the President's Cabinet, and also consume x units when this person is mentioned or shown on television.
7) The president's annual "State of the Union Address" shall be considered a group activity amongst church members, and shall be governed as stated in rule 7. For non-US members, or members desiring more social functions within the church, any other regular speeches (such as the British Prime Minister's speech at the Lord Mayor of London's banquet, or Ted Kennedy's bi-monthly apologies) may be included or substituted for the State of the Union Address.
8) One does, in fact, equal zero.
9) Everything that is compulsory is prohibited. Everything that is prohibited is compulsory.
10) Monthly chocolate rations shall be increased by 2 tenths of a gram for all members, due to excellent production efficiency by the Department of Things That Are Tasty and Good
That will be all, thank you for your time.
Reverend Joe Episkopo, 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B
|The LB Quiz, to determine the worthiness of neophytes
1) If a fool is in the forest, and no one is around to hear his jibba-jabba, does Mr. T still pity him?
2) Where's the money, Lebowski?
3) What does the T stand for?
4) What is your (name, quest, favorite color)?
5) What is the fifth question?
Answers will be posted once I transcend my human form and become energized within the Chao. Roughly, Thursday.
|Thursday, July 14th, 2005|
There are some people in this world, a strong minority, who are simply different. There are people who have experienced the utter darkness of eternity, and have come to understand it. They have seen inside themselves, and seen others, and come to know Life. These are the people who hurt. They have experienced pain others cannot imagine. They have been to the ragged edge of reality, where the bits don't quite fit together, stared into the abyss and had the abyss stare into them, and they have come back. From the depths of utter despair, they have learned to experience joy. For only when you have lived in a world with no light can you truly see how bright and beautiful things are, always. These people are the artists, who will paint for us a world we would not imagine even if we could. These people will lead us to the Cliff over the Pit, and they will bring us back. And we will call them Broken. And it will be a term of respect.
|Thursday, May 26th, 2005|
A tiny man in a black leather thong, a green hat and a bowl of pudding came to me today, and he explained to me how to get people to be good to one another. He reasoned that there are two days of the year where people treat each other the way they should all of the time, these being Christmas and Easter (these may be different in other parts of the world, but the point still stands. Besides, the Church won't have any of that pagan mucking about, it's just silly). Being a natural logician, he determined that the only element these two days had in common was that they were holidays. The way to make everyone act like decent sentient beings was, of course, to make every day a holiday. Small problem, though, being that a holiday has to be a rememberance of some great thing being done by a holy man, and on the other 363 days, no one in particular did something memorable. Thus, I proudly canonize St. No One In Particular, that we might remember Him and treat each other well on all the days of the year, which are to be known as The Feasts of Saint No One In Particular.
There is, of course, one exception to this decree. Anger and fear and all of the other dark emotions we feel cannot be surpressed for long, and must be released. Thus, I also decree November 2nd to be the Feast of Saint Fuck You, and the children shall not be forced to learn, and the adults shall partake in much squabbling over which color their particular State is. On this holy day, it shall be customary to greet stangers in the street with a cheerful, "Hey, Fuck You buddy!", or local equivalent. Hand gestures are encouraged, but optional.
|Thursday, April 21st, 2005|
|Lebowskite/Baracan Ritual Gear
The standard ritual set for a discordio-subGenial worship ceremonies
Required elements include ritual dress, the klein tossel cap of 3-dimensional one-sidedness, the mobius scarf of infinite length, and the klein bottle (preferably of the top-mouth erlenmeyer style), for the storage and consumption of ceremonial liquids. For the adventurous, a one-sided klein beer bong would be a project that guarantees immediate sainthood. Send proofs (prooves? proofen?) of concept to email@example.com.
And yes, I do realize that this is $126 is a lot to spend on a hat, a scarf, and a bottle. In fact, that is far too much money to spend on 3 simple items. You would do much better to send that as a donation to:
Reverend Joe Episkopo
The First and So Far Only Discordian Church Of Lebowski and Baracus, True Disciples of Bob
c/o The Hubbard Donation Center
23 Skiddoo Dr
Dillinger Re-Militarized Zone, Interzone
State of Confusion, (1+-5^(1/2)/2), Bat Country
And remember, kids: No Donation, No Salvation
|Tuesday, April 19th, 2005|
Gentle reader, seeker of enlightenment, let us attempt to define you. For purposes of this experiment, we will be purely mechanistic. You are the being of the species Homo Erectus
that contains any 1 particular, constant DNA pattern (if there are any mutations, cancers, or other nasties, the most popular pattern amongst your cells wins), which is, in itself, a product of two DNA patterns contributed by two other people we will refer to as your parents.
Given that we now have this pattern, which is yours uniquely, let us now try to find you. Assuming that we limit our search to known examples of the species Homo Erectus
, there are ~6 billion subjects who each have an equal statistical chance of being you. We must, of course, apply the pattern to every human being in an attempt to find you, or anyone who may be masquerading as you. Let us assume that we try every human being on Earth, and only find 1 you. That means that, in 6 billion attempts, there was 1 match, meaning that the odds against a match are, roughly, 1/5,999,999,999, or
85 against. Surely a probability that low must be a statistical anomaly, and may be thrown out as such. Because you are a highly unlikely statistical anomaly, your impact is so minimal as to be negligible. Therefore you do not matter. Given that the measure of something's acknowledged existence is measure of that something's impact on the world around it, and that your impact on the world around you is incalculably small, you do not exist. Therefore, I was perfectly in the right to pull my car out onto the freeway at the moment in question, and I will not trade insurance information with you, because you are obviously a hallucination.
|Saturday, April 16th, 2005|
|First L-B Canonization
The First Discordian/SubGenius Church of Lebowski and Baracus would like to hereby acknowledge the sainthood of Hunter S. Thompson, and to formally endorse Gonzo Religiosity, remembering that finding God means both changing you and changing God.
|Tuesday, April 12th, 2005|
|A second ritual
Appropriate for any occasion, to be performed skyclad with one's body painted an interesting pastel color in spring or summer, a muted earth-tone in fall, or pure white in the winter.
/*Comments from the editor will be delimited in this style, because that's how we roll, player*/
Begin by drawing a decagram, which consists of two pentacless, one upturned and the other downturned, using a magick staff /*or the sacred Magick Marker, if you are short on supplies*/. Stand in the center of the decagram, with a stick, baseball bat, or some other Magickal Blunt Instrument, and an apple. Use your thumbnail to carve a 'K' into the apple. Then pull out the stem with your teeth, lob the apple at least 20 yards away from you, and duck down on the ground, with your arms over your head /*the decagram is protective, but let's not bullshit ourselves...*/. If the apple explodes, congratulations! You have found (and destroyed) a holy and sacred relic. If you've survived the blast, have Brother Maynarck consult the Book of Armaments (12:1, 2,
3). If you have not survived the blast, you may do as you like and the ritual will be considered closed. If it does not, in fact, explode then continue onward.
/*Note that all of the following chanting and such is taken directly from the powerful holy book, the Necrotelecomnicon. Use at your own risk, your mileage may vary. Not applicable in Alaska, Hawaii or Puerto Rico. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.*/
Stand in the decagram, spinning about in a deosil circle shouting
"Zi Chao Kanpa! Zi Slakka Kanpa! Spirit of the Sacred Chao, remember! Spirit of Slack, remember!" over and over, until you fall down. When you fall, it is also considered exceptional form to eject fluid and/or semi-solids from some orifice in your body /*one created by a conveniently placed rock is worth triple bonus points*/. You are now possessed of the Holy Shit, and may call the elements. Stand facing north, legs spread to shoulder width, arms out, and call "Spirit of the air, child of Lebowski and of lightness and movement, pay attention you flaky putz!" Then, stand to the west and shout "Spirit of the earth, child of Baracus and steadfastness, pay attention, you thick bastard!" Then stand to the east, and shout "Spirit of the water, child of Lebowski and moving with the flow of time, pay attention you wishy-washy schmuck!" Then stand to the south, and scream "Spirit of the fire, child of Baracus and passion, pay attention, flamer!" Finally, there is a fifth element that may appear to those who are extremely gifted or have trained long and hard. This is the Element of Surprise, and the only way to get it to join your ritual is to intensely not expect it. With the elements called, you may call to the prophets. Stand facing one point of the decagram, and shout "Io, Baracus. Come and take pity on this, your servant and humble foo'." Then turn 180 degrees, facing the opposite point of the decagram, and shout "Yo, Lebowski! Get over here or I cut off your Johnson!"/*As pure Lebowskites will know, Lebowski is by nature an absent and unmotivated prophet, and must be heavily cajoled into doing pretty much anything. Pure Baracans have an advantage in this respect, in that wherever there is a foo' to be pitied, he is there*/. Then, sink to your knees and shout, "Io, Lebowski. I pray thee by your names, His Dudeness, the Dude, Duder, and El Duderino /*If you're not into the whole brevity thing*/, grant unto me the power of Slack. I ask this in the name of Bob. Io Baracus. I pray thee by your names, T, Clubber, and Laurence, grant unto me the power of Discord, of harnessing Chaos and using them to meet my ends. I ask this in the name of Eris." You must then dismiss the spirits, by again facing to each quarter and shouting "Fuck right off, the lot of you!" The ritual is now closed, may you hold well in Slack and Discord.
|Monday, April 11th, 2005|
|Discordian dictionary entry
Nothing (Nah-thing): Transitive verb, see Noth.
Noth (Nath): Verb - To not exist.
I have often wondered where, precisely, nothing comes from. Then it struck. Nothing does not exist. Therefore, to be nothing is to be actively not existing. "That is nothing," therefore, means "That object is actively not existing." Perhaps this means I should change the subtitle of the church journal to "Warning: This Journal Noths"
Lo, ye, verily and I am tired, so, in the name of Bob and Eris, Lebowski and Baracus, I'm going to noth off for a few hours.
I would like to officially extend the church's sponsorship in the next presidential election to the Solipsist Party. Remember: One Man, One Vote.
If you cannot, on good conscience, vote Solipsist, there are always the Surprise Birthday and Frat tickets.
|Wednesday, March 30th, 2005|
The first ritual of the Church is a solemn occasion known as Calvinball. Shamelessly stolen from the Twenty3 Apples of Eris game Cooknote Fiberglass
, the rules of Calvinball are very simple. Each game lasts any amount of time agreed upon by all the players to be not less than 1 hour. There are as many players as you can coax into participating, and the field is anywhere, though preferably a space with multiple pieces of sports equipment or other objects (a playground is an excellent idea, as is an elementary school). There is also a referee, heretofor known as "God", whose job is very important, but limited, and does not prevent him from also being a player. In cases that the referee is also playing, there must be a backup referee, known as "God Lite" to prevent a conflict of interest. In order to start the game, the referee takes the ball (it may be any type of ball, or a rock, or anything else agreed upon by the players) and throws it as far as possible. From this point forward, whichever player who gains control of the ball gets 1 point, and may make up a rule. It does not have to make up a rule, but at the end of the game, any player who did not make up at least 3 rules is disqualified. Also, each player has 2 vetos, which he may use to block any rule any other player makes up from coming into effect. Also, God may veto any number of rules. God Lite may also veto any rule made up by God in order to prevent a conflict of interest. At the end of the game, the person with the highest score wins, and is the referee for the next game of Calvinball. Intoxication before or during a game of Calvinball is encouraged, though it is not necessary as it is in Cooknote Fiberglass. A common house rule is that intoxication is rewarded by points in the game, at the discretion of God, proportional to the degree of intoxication. Note that Calvinball is one of the world's few full-contact religious rites, and acquiring the ball by any means necessary is considered standard operating procedure. Also, honest cheating is permitted. One may circumvent any of the rules, both the starting rules and the rules created by other players, but one is bound by honor and/or the threat of grievous bodily harm to admit cheating if one is caught. Penalties may be then handed at God's discretion, and may include loss of points, shameless acts of indecency, and anything else considered unpleasant enough to discourage poorly-executed cheating.
Examples of good rules:
Sleeping: Each player may call any other player's name, at which point that player must lay down on the ground for 10 seconds, or until the person's name is called again
Declaring a new ball: This is not limited to traditional ball-like objects, and may include roughly anything that can be reasonably possessed by one player exclusively
Hot lava: Declaring an area off-limits by designating it as hot lava. Any players that end up in the designated area must, of course, run screaming and act as though they have caught fire.
Beer run X: The first player to get a beer for the person with the ball gets X points, where X is declared at the time the rule is created. The trick is to declare a value of X that is enough to motivate the other players, but not so much as to put you too far behind. Other refreshments or ceremonial chemicals may be substituted for beer, but take care to observe all laws applicable to persons and areas involved in the game. They needn't be obeyed, simply acknowledged. It is not uncommon, in situations where there is no beer on the premises, to make the value of X 100 or more. This is often the first rule created in a game of Calvinball.
Smoke break: Gameplay stops, and every player who smokes something receives 5 bonus points. Gameplay resumes when all players have finished smoking whatever it is they intend to smoke. Drink break is a common variant
Macarena: The player declaring Macarena throws the ball as far as physically possible, and all players (including the player who created the rule) must perform the much lauded club dance four times, completing a full circle, before they may return to the game.
Poke a stranger: The first player to make physical contact with someone whom they have never met is awarded a 10 point bonus
It is also worth noting that, once one has gained control of the ball, gotten their points, and made up their rule, it is considered a Bad Idea to try to keep the ball. In Calvinball, nothing is true, and everything is permissible.
If you have any other ideas for rules, feel free to add them to the comments section.
|The Reader of This Article Is A Pope. Treat Him/Her/It Good
You are probably wondering, o nobly delivered by Cesarean Section, what the blinding fuck you're reading. The idea is simple: We believe in nothing, not even nihlism. In addition to nothing, we believe that in the coming apocalypse, be it X-Day, or the immanentizing of the Eschaton, or simply the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the president of the United States, the divine duality of Eris, goddess of Discord, and Bob, the Divine Drilling-Equipment Salesman, will come to us in the form of Slackmaster General Jeffery Lebowski (of the big Lebowski fame) and the Unholy Prince of Peace, Love and Non-Sequitirs Mr. B.A. Baracus. They will show us the divine nature of Taking 'Er Easy and Taking Care of Shit. They will bring mankind to fruition and create an earthly paradise of laziness, apathy, and randomness. We believe in simple chaos, and in novelty as its own reward. In combining Eris and Bob, we have destroyed them both, and we take great pride in this fact. Hail Eris, Hail Bob, and Fuck 'Em Both If They Can't Take A Joke! This church is a work in progress, and will remain so because the nature of the thing is a gnostic relationship with conmen, shams, rubes, Gods, saints, devils, left-wingers in amateur hockey leagues, machines, monsters, monkeys and madmen. Thus is the nature of the divine mystery of the Austere Joke, the Ascetic Hedonist, the King of Nowhere In Particular, and the Bottle Goose. Every word of this is, of course, a lie, including this statement. Take heed, o randomly born, and keep your head down. The Holy Shit is flying, and you're the Chao's Mu, baby!