Appropriate for any occasion, to be performed skyclad with one's body painted an interesting pastel color in spring or summer, a muted earth-tone in fall, or pure white in the winter.
/*Comments from the editor will be delimited in this style, because that's how we roll, player*/
Begin by drawing a decagram, which consists of two pentacless, one upturned and the other downturned, using a magick staff /*or the sacred Magick Marker, if you are short on supplies*/. Stand in the center of the decagram, with a stick, baseball bat, or some other Magickal Blunt Instrument, and an apple. Use your thumbnail to carve a 'K' into the apple. Then pull out the stem with your teeth, lob the apple at least 20 yards away from you, and duck down on the ground, with your arms over your head /*the decagram is protective, but let's not bullshit ourselves...*/. If the apple explodes, congratulations! You have found (and destroyed) a holy and sacred relic. If you've survived the blast, have Brother Maynarck consult the Book of Armaments (12:1, 2,
5 3). If you have not survived the blast, you may do as you like and the ritual will be considered closed. If it does not, in fact, explode then continue onward.
/*Note that all of the following chanting and such is taken directly from the powerful holy book, the Necrotelecomnicon. Use at your own risk, your mileage may vary. Not applicable in Alaska, Hawaii or Puerto Rico. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.*/
Stand in the decagram, spinning about in a deosil circle shouting
"Zi Chao Kanpa! Zi Slakka Kanpa! Spirit of the Sacred Chao, remember! Spirit of Slack, remember!" over and over, until you fall down. When you fall, it is also considered exceptional form to eject fluid and/or semi-solids from some orifice in your body /*one created by a conveniently placed rock is worth triple bonus points*/. You are now possessed of the Holy Shit, and may call the elements. Stand facing north, legs spread to shoulder width, arms out, and call "Spirit of the air, child of Lebowski and of lightness and movement, pay attention you flaky putz!" Then, stand to the west and shout "Spirit of the earth, child of Baracus and steadfastness, pay attention, you thick bastard!" Then stand to the east, and shout "Spirit of the water, child of Lebowski and moving with the flow of time, pay attention you wishy-washy schmuck!" Then stand to the south, and scream "Spirit of the fire, child of Baracus and passion, pay attention, flamer!" Finally, there is a fifth element that may appear to those who are extremely gifted or have trained long and hard. This is the Element of Surprise, and the only way to get it to join your ritual is to intensely not expect it. With the elements called, you may call to the prophets. Stand facing one point of the decagram, and shout "Io, Baracus. Come and take pity on this, your servant and humble foo'." Then turn 180 degrees, facing the opposite point of the decagram, and shout "Yo, Lebowski! Get over here or I cut off your Johnson!"/*As pure Lebowskites will know, Lebowski is by nature an absent and unmotivated prophet, and must be heavily cajoled into doing pretty much anything. Pure Baracans have an advantage in this respect, in that wherever there is a foo' to be pitied, he is there*/. Then, sink to your knees and shout, "Io, Lebowski. I pray thee by your names, His Dudeness, the Dude, Duder, and El Duderino /*If you're not into the whole brevity thing*/, grant unto me the power of Slack. I ask this in the name of Bob. Io Baracus. I pray thee by your names, T, Clubber, and Laurence, grant unto me the power of Discord, of harnessing Chaos and using them to meet my ends. I ask this in the name of Eris." You must then dismiss the spirits, by again facing to each quarter and shouting "Fuck right off, the lot of you!" The ritual is now closed, may you hold well in Slack and Discord.