Members of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B are hereby commanded a number of things in exchange for their membership in the 1&SFOSG-DCWTFOMG(s)BBQ:
0) Members are required not to recognize the sovereignty of any nation in a circle no less than 23" of radius around any member, lance-saint, or known pope.
1) Members are commanded to, under no circumstances, recognize the popeitude of anyone who is not either:
a)A member, lance-saint or demi/semigod(dess) of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in good-standing with the past, current, or future incarnations of the church, or persons acting therein with the best interests of 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in heart, mind, pineal gland, or jejunum
b)A member, lance-saint or demi/semigod(dess) of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in poor-standing with the past, current, or future incarnations of the church, or persons not acting therein with the best interests of the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B in heart, mind, pineal gland, or duodenum
c) Any non-member or sentient being unknown to 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B
Violation of the above terms will result in transient, non-perpetuitous loss of popeitude. This will put the defrocked member in poor-standing with the current and all future incarnations of 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B. Popeitude will only be restored when the member has gone to his or her room, where room is defined as the multi-walled, indoor area in which the disgraced fool spents most of their time living, where living is to be known as actively attempting to turn organic resources into feces and partial copies of the self, and engages, for a period of time not to be less than one planck unit of time, pondering, cogitating, speculating, or reasoning about the offense that caused one to lose popeitality.
2) Members are hereby required to not adhere to any requirements of any (dis)organization. Punishment for adhering to requirements shall be loss of membership in the 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B, at which point the member will cease to adhere to the requirements of 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B, and membership shall be reinstated.
3) Members shall engage, at least once daily, in actively dancing when there is no audible music playing. Members are strongly encouraged to listen for the music that plays when there is no sound.
4) Hallucinations of any type shall be required, but this will not be an issue, as all members have access to cable news, and thus should have no problem seeing things that don't exist, hearing sounds that never happened, and having a strong, untrue convictions about the nature of the world in which they live.
5) Members should be politically well-versed, and thus are required to view as many speeches by the President of the United States and high-ranking members of the US Congress whenever possible.
6) Members must also be relaxed in their politics, and thus are required to take x units of alcoholic beverage, where x is a function of the member's body mass, the member's experience with intoxicating drink, and the relative strength of the beverage, any time the phrases "Tax", "Congress", "America", "Terror" or "Economy" are mentioned. Members are also strongly encouraged to pick a member of Congress or the President's Cabinet, and also consume x units when this person is mentioned or shown on television.
7) The president's annual "State of the Union Address" shall be considered a group activity amongst church members, and shall be governed as stated in rule 7. For non-US members, or members desiring more social functions within the church, any other regular speeches (such as the British Prime Minister's speech at the Lord Mayor of London's banquet, or Ted Kennedy's bi-monthly apologies) may be included or substituted for the State of the Union Address.
8) One does, in fact, equal zero.
9) Everything that is compulsory is prohibited. Everything that is prohibited is compulsory.
10) Monthly chocolate rations shall be increased by 2 tenths of a gram for all members, due to excellent production efficiency by the Department of Things That Are Tasty and Good
That will be all, thank you for your time.
Reverend Joe Episkopo, 1&SFOSG-DCoL&B